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"My Will" - dream |
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Aliens
Dedicated to Jasmine White, Bauhinia Yeung, Colleen Kao, and Shane Corey Domisse, as well as any and all friends that I may have had, have, and will have in the future.
They are all people, but they aren't really.
I call them aliens sometimes. Sometimes I think that's the wrong term for them though. The definition of alien is dissimilar, inconsistent, or opposed, as in nature. That's what they are to me. Perfect. Against human nature. They all claim to be as imperfect as I am. I can keep saying that I think that they're perfect.
But, I suppose, only I see it that way.
Sometimes I understand, though. Why they think that they aren't what I see them to be. I compare them to myself, and compared to me...yes, they are perfect. Compared to others, they are not. But do others really matter? What do the people who don't care about you matter? Why would you compare yourself to them? Compare yourself to only your friends...and you will see what they are to you.
I am not skilled. Some people say that I'm multi-talented, but I've just been jumping around, trying my best to find my forte in a world full of all forms of art. I sing in the choir, I paint in art, and everyone says that I sound like I have a higher IQ and a higher level of thinking within all my peers. Do I? I sing, yet I feel as though I have never been heard. I paint, yet I feel like I'm putting nothing into it. I study, yet I feel as though I will fail anyway.
This is what I need the "aliens" for. For encouragement. For guidance. For a voice that says in my head that I am worth something. For a kind and loving shoulder to lean on whenever I am sad. Sadly, with most of them, I cannot get that. All my greatest friends are far away, like a distant planet to me. Two of my dear aliens live over a thousand miles away, another, just over three. One lives in a place that I lived once upon a time, and I wandered away to this amazing place before I could ever wish to meet him. What is there to do if the friends you have feel invisible to you?
How can you have guidance, have faith in yourself, without them?
There is one, a nice, caring, loving friend who likes to pretend. She seems happy, she seems content, and is always willing to give a helping hand. But she too, lives in a real world like I do. She has pain, she has suffering, and she has rejection. I can't see this though, through the unbreakable smile she wears. Through that mask of hiding, she rarely ever shows her true face to me. But every day, I smile, and say hello, and it feels like she looks at me again with her true face...weary, worn down. Tired of things happening. I'd give anything to throw my arms around her at that moment in time, tell her it will be okay. I love her, but not romantically, as I once thought. I love her like a soul mate, a twin who can understand me.
There is one, an amazing, beautiful, talented friend who I will never find pretending. She has misery, and she has happiness. She is a cynic, and she's a dreamer. She awes me in every way...and yet, she will actually talk to me. Which surprises me. I don't get that...people I admire aren't supposed to talk to me. She talks with me every night, tells me everything I need to hear...and she tells the truth. She knows that lies hurt more than being honest. I don't know anyone else like her...and I doubt I ever will.
There is one, the only one I who can really say that I belong to them. I love him with all my heart, and feel as though I take that for granted many times...sometimes, I don't even think I actually love him. Because...I feel sometimes as though I can't truly love, but if it were to be ANYONE, it'd be him. He's always there with a smile, and I always think....its too perfect to be real. I don't deserve him. And I truly...do not think so. I love him, but he doesn't realize that there are so many people better than me. People say that I'm lucky, or that he's stupid for choosing me. If its just luck...then why is it I feel like I'm always drawn to him? Why is it he says these wonderful things, when I know I don't deserve them? Why does he care? People tell me not to question it...but if its just luck, it should be questioned. I wonder if its fate.
There is one, a young girl with the mind of a person far older than her. She’s seen more than people have even twice her age, and has managed to survive it all. But she, even though she has her own difficulties, is the only one who manages to help me. She is a bit eccentric, but can make me smile even if I’ve had the worst of days. She helps me in whatever I need help with…art, a cure for boredom. And I know that I could never find anyone to replace her.
There are so many others. Yet another artist, classic, emotional, a person who I’ve looked up to for many years now. The gentle, and amusing person that can always make me laugh. A friend who wants me to actually be safe and cared for, instead of having to go through the pain of my thoughts every day.
I can't help but think...why is it that I, a person with nothing to give but undying loyalty, am friends with these aliens of mine? I'm human. I have faults. And, I'm sure the others do too...but I don't want to see them. Is that what a friend is for? Not reminding people of their faults? We all know we have them, and we don't need others to point them out to us.
But I digress.
The people who I love the most, the people most dear to me...they are all aliens. And I have guidance and faith in myself only when they are around. They are perfect, but I'm not jealous of them because of my imperfections. They are perfect to me, and I hope that in turn...that I can be perfect to them. I'm not the perfect friend, not at all, at this point. I lied. I cheated. I gave into greed. And I hurt so many friends because of that.
I hope someday to be your "alien", my dear friends.
-fin-
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